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Challenge Accepted

The only thing constant is change. I was born with an entrepreneurial mind that thrives off change. I evaluate situations and look for ways to make things more efficient, productive, and to solve problems. A couple of the things I am best at in the business world is cutting costs and doing more with less to increase the bottom line. I love doing this at work and in my professional life. I find it very ironic that making the decision to do this in my personal life has caused me unbelievable anxiety! Last night we took some time to look at houses. Of course the houses are much smaller than the one we are in now. Downsizing is what I want to do, but as I stood inside a home with much less space than mine I felt claustrophobic. This process is going to be more difficult than I imagined. We had discussions last night about how to start to trash, donate, and sell things in our existing home. A good friend said, “Get rid of it all!” I know he’s right so I’m not sure why I almost threw up. After we came home, had dinner, and put our daughter to bed I became overwhelmed with anxiety and emotions. I felt angry and sad. I downed a glass of wine and headed to bed to escape my feelings. Who wants to feel all of that?! This morning I see things more clearly and I realize that I am going through the grieving process. I am grieving the loss of my expectations of what life would be like. The reason I almost threw up is that all of the possessions we have stand for a piece of my expectations. At work, I know that one of the keys to being successful is to manage others’ expectations. Somehow, I neglected to manage my own. Last night, I found myself sliding back into the blame game in my head and being angry over the things I felt others should be doing to help fulfill my expectations. Then, I got lost in the anger of feeling alone. These are all very toxic thoughts and feelings that I impose upon myself. No one else makes me feel this way. No one else can fix my feelings either. As I travel this path of downsizing, I see that I need to grow and heal in a variety of ways. It’s interesting to say that downsizing will make me grow, but I believe it will, at least internally. I believe it will heal my soul too. Last night revealed to me that this is not going to be as easy as cleaning out our house and moving to a smaller one. This is going to require cleaning out my mind and heart as well. Everyone that knows me knows I love a challenge. Challenge accepted…

I have been overwhelmed at the number of messages of support, empathy, and stories of battles from all of you. We all have so much to learn from each other but for some reason we keep things inside and fight battles alone. I’m not sure what the solution is to build a community that is supportive but I’m thinking about it. I promise to answer all your messages as I have time. Please keep them coming!

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